How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.
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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
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How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
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How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
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How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

Two. If you slice them very thinly.
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What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.
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What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

Any place without a drive-up window.
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What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.
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What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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What do you call a man with half a brain?

Gifted.
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What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him.
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What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A power failure.
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What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.
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How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
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Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
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Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
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Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
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What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.
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What do men and pantyhose have in common?

They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.
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What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
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What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.
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What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.
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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.
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What's the best way to kill a man?

Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
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What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
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What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says..."
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What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

Straight through the rib cage.
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Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.
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Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they're all pigs.
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Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.
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Why did God create man before woman?

Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
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Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.
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Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.
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Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.
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Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.
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Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.
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Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
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Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.