Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called, Sosumi.
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Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
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Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are true stories.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue.
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What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
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What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

Not enough cement.
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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Senator.
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What do you do if you run over a lawyer?

Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
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What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?

Who cares?
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What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

He gets taller.
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What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
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What should you do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?

Get more cement.
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What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?

Law-suits.
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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?

The bucket.
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What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A doberman.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

You cry when you cut up an onion.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Removable wingtips.
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

The nearest cemetery.
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.
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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

Another lawyer.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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What does a lawyer use for birth-control?

His personality.
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What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?

He was disbarred.
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What does a laywer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.